Have you ever had a conversation where the person constantly flips the script? S/he deflects, twists your words, or steers the discussion away from the real issue. You end up feeling frustrated or even doubting your perspective.
This behavior of turning everything around during conversations often stems from defensiveness, manipulation, and avoidance of accountability.
It is hard to talk to such people. However, you can engage more effectively with the right approach and maintain dialogue control.
This article explores how to talk to someone who turns everything around and digs in on potential triggers of this behavior.
Why Someone Can Turn Everything Around in a Conversation
Both psychological and emotional factors contribute to this behavior. Let us look at some underlying reasons:
Defensiveness
When someone feels criticized or attacked, they may turn the conversation around as a self-protection mechanism.
Instead of addressing the issue raised, they blame the other person or change the subject in totality.
For instance, if you question their behavior, they might respond by pointing out something you did in the past.
It can be a subconscious attempt to avoid feeling vulnerable or admitting fault.
Avoidance of Accountability
Some people twist conversations to avoid admitting responsibility for their actions or facing the consequences. As a result, they turn everything around you.
For example, you may confront someone about breaking a promise, but s/he shifts the discussion to how you are too demanding. This makes it harder to hold him/her accountable for the broken commitment.
It is a form of manipulation as it sidesteps the original point and distracts from the need to address the real problem.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation where the person deliberately distorts the truth to make you question your perception or memory.
A gas lighter seeks control, making the other party doubt oneself. Gaslighting also creates confusion and power imbalance.
You might say, “I feel hurt when you ignore me,” they could respond with, “You’re imagining things. I never ignore you; you’re just being overly sensitive.”
Control and Power
In some cases, turning everything around is a means of controlling the conversation. It is often used by individuals who seek to take charge of the narrative hence keeping themselves in a position of power.
Emotional Immaturity
Another reason could be the lack of emotional maturity to handle constructive criticism or engage in difficult conversations.
Instead, they resort to turning everything around to avoid confronting uncomfortable emotions.
This trait manifests in blaming, avoiding direct answers, and sulking.
Low self-esteem
People who twist conversations may do so because of low self-esteem.
They may feel insecure about themselves or their abilities, so any form of critique or disagreement feels like a personal attack.
Therefore, they turn the conversation around to avoid facing their inadequacies or flaws.
Lack of Communication Skills
Individuals may turn conversations around because they lack effective communication.
The inadequacy to express themselves or address conflict constructively may lead to shifting blame or changing the topic.
It is not necessarily manipulative but a sign that the person struggles with healthy communication.
How to Talk to Someone Who Turns Everything Around
Practice Active Listening
One of the first steps in handling a person who twists conversations is active listening.
Active listening is more than just hearing what’s been spoken; it involves fully engaging with the speaker, showing empathy, and validating their emotions. It helps you pick up on inconsistencies or misinterpretations they might introduce.
Listening carefully also allows you to ask thoughtful questions that can expose any attempt to distort the conversation. For example, instead of reacting when they twist your words, you can say, “Can you explain how you reached that conclusion?” This forces them to rethink their logic and clarify their stance.
Delay Reacting
It is easy to feel provoked when talking to someone skilled at turning conversations. You are likely to react hastily which is what they may be looking for.
Instead, practice delaying your reaction by pausing to collect your thoughts and respond in a way that remains grounded and rational. It helps you focus on the main point without letting the conversation derail.
Stick to the Facts
People who turn conversations around often rely on emotional manipulation or subjective arguments.
Sticking to the facts is an effective countermeasure. Your discussion should center on specific events, actions, and evidence, to make it harder for them to shift the narrative.
For instance, if you are discussing a disagreement and they claim, “You always do this’, you can say, ‘Can we focus on this particular instance instead of generalizing?”.
Use “I” Statements
Using “I” rather than “you” statements prevents the other person from feeling attacked and becoming more defensive.
“You” statements often sound accusatory and can make the difficult person more entrenched in their behavior. Conversely, “I” statements focus on your feelings and observations, making it harder for the person to turn the conversation around.
For example, instead of saying, “You always twist my words,” you can say, “I feel frustrated when our conversations don’t seem to stay on topic.”
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries when dealing with difficult individuals is key to maintaining emotional well-being. It shows your self-respect and intolerance to unhealthy communication patterns.
Set clear boundaries on your unwillingness to engage in discussions that veer off-topic or involve blame-shifting.
Boundaries might include actions like walking away from a conversation that becomes unproductive or agreeing to revisit the discussion later when emotions have settled.
Stay Calm and Assertive
People who turn everything around often feed off emotional reactions. Staying calm and assertive helps you maintain control of the situation.
When you appear composed, it signals that the attempts by the difficult person to derail the conversation won’t work.
On the other hand, assertiveness ensures that you communicate your thoughts and feelings without being passive or aggressive.
For instance, if s/he begins deflecting or twisting your words, you can calmly state, “I understand that’s how you see it, but let’s get back to the main point.”
Know When to Walk Away
It is significant to know when to walk away from the conversation.
If a conversation is going nowhere, and you feel the constant manipulations or misunderstandings directed at you, it’s okay to stop the interaction.
Walking away is a powerful way to protect your mental health and avoid being drawn into an endless cycle of deflection and blame.
Conclusion
People turn everything around in conversations for various reasons, ranging from defensiveness and low self-esteem to manipulation and control.
Conversing with someone who turns everything around affects your mental well-being. However, you can navigate this by practicing active listening, delaying your reactions, sticking to facts, setting boundaries, staying calm and assertive, and knowing when to walk away.
Effective communication in difficult situations requires patience, self-awareness, and the commitment to focus on what truly matters.